“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14

I have always been that girl who is almost always smiling. People tell me they love that about me…that I consistently seem so happy.  Most people that see me casually would never guess that I struggle with major depression.  I have not always suffered from this.  I had mild issues after graduating from college and all the changes that come with that milestone. The worst of my depression has manifested itself since I became a mother.

One would have to understand the kind of person I am. I have always been kind of an introvert.  I grew up in a huge loving family surrounded by cousins, aunts, and uncles. My mom told me when I was little she would have to search for me and would find me playing under a table by myself. I have always cherished my “me time” and been very organized.  Control, or the sense control, gave me a feeling of security. My need to be able to anticipate changes has dictated so much about the path my life has taken.  Motherhood is not conducive to this tendency. I know…it makes me laugh too. The crazy thing is that being a mama was the one thing in life I wanted more than anything.

After Jonah was born I just couldn’t shake that feeling of being “hormonal”. I constantly felt agitated then mad. When I acted on that anger I felt such guilt. It is a cycle that I have repeated over and over again. That guilt turns into fear and self- hatred. I could not understand why my husband still loved me or how I could possibly be a good mother. I eventually went to my doctor and got on medication that helped.  I was pretty stable and happy. Rocky and I decided to have another baby. My Scout was born and my life changed, again. The depression got worse. At times, I resented Scout. None of the medications I tried helped.  I felt such despair and guilt. How could I be sad? I had it all. I was lucky. I had a husband who loved me and adored our boys. I had 2 beautiful blonde, blue-eyed babies, yet I could not escape from this horrible sadness and hopelessness.  I was, again, on a roller coaster of emotions. I rode it out for a while. Then in August of 2014 I took a handful of pills. I had often thought about suicide. My children and husband would be better off with a wife and mother who was happy and better suited to being a mama. I never told anyone my plan. If I ever got the courage to “do it” I did not want anyone to know until it was over. The day I took the pills I can’t really tell you I wanted to die.  I just wanted to rest. All of it needed to stop. The constant fight I felt inside my head and heart was exhausting.

Psalm 27 in my bible is tear stained. I have many times read it with tears pouring down my face. In the years since I had children, I had not reached out and read this verse. I had stopped allowing God to comfort me. I had stopped reaching out to the people He put in my life who loved me.  I’m not saying I am against medications because I certainly am not. I take mine every day and I see a counselor once a month.  I have one tattoo. It is on my arm, in my mother’s handwriting it says “Be still and know” (Psalm 46:10).  The fact that it is in my mama’s handwriting is a symbol of all the love He has filled my life with. The words are an ever present reminder that He is constant, He is always there to rescue us. There are moments all through my day where I choose whether I want to allow Him to pick me up and deliver me from myself or if I want to go at it alone. 

I read a book one time that said we would all be better off if we realized that our lives are not about us. It is all about HIM. When I read it I had an epiphany. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It is one of those concepts we may think but then one day you really HEAR it.  It is not about me. It is not about how perfect I can make my family, my job, my home, or myself.  My life is about how His purpose is manifested in me. My life is about whether I choose to “go it alone” or be rescued.

—Sami Barnette

Light: The candle of LOVE 

Read: God makes a way, JSB p. 92 (Exodus 14-15)

Ask: Describe a time when you felt lost. How did you find your way home?

Pray: Ask God to help all people find their way to Him.

Jesse Tree Ornament: Water parting


Act: Remind someone who needs encouragement that God will make a way for them.